Relational trauma in childhood often leads to codependent behaviour in adulthood. This is particularly true if addictive processes were present in the home (e.g. compulsive eating, alcoholism, workaholism) or if a parent themselves were codependent.
In a nutshell, codependent behaviours are maladaptive, compulsive behaviours aimed at maintaining another person’s approval. We put other people, and their needs, values, wants etc, above ourselves and our own needs, values and wants.
In Beyond Codependency, Melody Beattie explains that silent, subconscious rules develop within dysfunctional families. Rules like:
– Don’t feel or talk about feelings.
– Don’t identify, talk about or solve problems
– Don’t be who you are (be good, right, strong, perfect)
– Don’t be selfish (take care of others and neglect yourself)
– Don’t trust other people
– Don’t trust yourself
– Don’t be vulnerable
– Don’t be direct
– Don’t change,
these rules promote codependent behaviours
These rules promote codependency and undermine independence, identity formation and boundaries. Not only do we get lost in relationships and struggle to care for ourselves, our sense of self and sense of worth are created by someone else.
If we grew up in a home with any of these unsaid rules we need to consider which of them we’re still following to this day. Phenomenal freedom is possible once we become aware of our own codependent patterns
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Sarah Woodhouse is a trauma expert, research psychologist and writer who delivers people the knowledge and tools to recognise and overcome self-defeating cycles, to achieve personal freedom and success.
