a note on… control mode

notes on freedom

A weekly email series containing easily digestible morsels of info on relational trauma and how to find freedom from it.

THIS WEEK IT’S A NOTE ON…control mode

Trauma’s fight-flight response often manifests as control-mode. It makes sense, right? Trying to control ourselves, other people and the world is quite a logical response to feeling out of control, threatened and afraid.

The holidays pull all of us out of our routines. We eat foods we don’t usually eat, spend vast amounts of money and see people we have a lot of ‘history’ with. Add to this the emotional pull of wanting things to be perfect for our loved ones and the INSANE to-do list, and it makes complete sense that many of us go into control-mode.

Control-mode looks different for each of us. Some of us try and feel in control by looking and behaving perfectly. Some try to control other people’s feelings and experiences. Some people become highly critical (of themselves and others). Some overthink, plot and ruminate. Some guilt-trip, others anxiously try to please. Some become fiercely independent and push every offer of help away.

Sometimes control-mode gets us the outcome we want. We decide we ate right, talked right, acted right, catered right, brought just the right amount of joy and festivities. We get to the end of the day feeling like we’ve won – everything went to plan, every expectation met. These days bring a sense of satisfaction and a giddy high. We’re mentally and physically tired too, of course, because we spent the day holding on tightly to the reigns. But the exhaustion feels satisfying.

In the scenario I’ve just described – in which control-mode leads to the precise outcomes we want – we subconsciously give ourselves, and the day, top marks.

Although ‘perfect’ occasionally presents itself more often we find ourselves at the other end of the scale. If you often end a day feeling like you’ve failed, feeling disappointed, feeling overwhelmed, feeling rage, feeling like things ‘never’ go to plan, feeling like everything is ‘ruined’ or feeling ashamed, ask yourself this:

When and how was I trying to control things today? When and how was I holding on tightly to the reigns? And, more importantly, why?

Why was I feeling out of control, threatened or afraid?

This final question is where the gold is. Get curious about why you were holding onto the reigns so tight today so that tomorrow you can let go a little more.

Freedom is found as we practice letting go of the reigns. As we stop trying to keep everyone and everything in order, we allow life to unfold. As we let go of the outcome we can relax and enjoy.