a note on… fawning

notes on freedom

A weekly email series containing easily digestible morsels of info on relational trauma and how to find freedom from it.

THIS WEEK IT’S A NOTE ON…fawning

When we think of the survival response we tend to think of fight, flight and freeze. Fawn is less talked about, but very prevalent (particularly for women). 

It’s easy to overlook this nervous system state, but it’s important that we take time to consider when and why it might apply to each of us.

Fawn is a survival response to a perceived relational threat that uses people-pleasing behaviour to appease or supplicate an aggressor, avoid conflict and/or ensure safety (i.e. ensure we remain connected to, and liked by, the tribe).

 Rather than fighting, running or shutting down we try and appease/befriend. This can look like: 

• saying ‘yes’ when we mean ‘no’
• trying to be as helpful, friendly and likeable as possible
• acting against our values to remain in connection with another
• unable to be assertive
• lack of emotional boundaries 
• ignoring our instincts and needs
• stroking people’s egos, flattering, grovelling

Everyone engages in people-pleasing behaviours sometimes, but to heal our trauma we need to become conscious of when and why these behaviours are part of a deeply engrained fear-response.

To find create some conscious awareness try asking yourself this question:

• Are there any specific people or situations that provoke anxiety within me, and trigger me into a people-pleasing fawn response?
• Are there any similarities between these people/situations? 
• What do I do, feel and think? (i.e. what does fawn look and feel like for me)

This work starts with conscious awareness. Answering this questions will create a little space between you and the reaction, so that next time it happens you’re more likely to be able to regulate, reconnect to your agency and make a different choice.

With love,

S. x