notes on freedom
A weekly email series containing easily digestible morsels of info on relational trauma and how to find freedom from it.
THIS WEEK IT’S A NOTE ON…harsh self judgement
Perfectionism can be hard to relate to for those of us who regularly conclude we’re not enough and not doing enough.
– How can I be a perfectionist given how bad I am at everything?
– Given how little I exercise and how untidy the house is?
– Given how much I procrastinate and how late I always am?
– Given what a failure I am as a parent?
– Given how badly I’ve done in my career and how awful I am in all my relationships?
I’m guessing that at least one of these self-assessments feels familiar to you. The thing is, these harsh self-judgements are perfectionism at work.
Because perfectionism isn’t about being perfect. It’s not about flawless skin, an immaculate house or always saying just the right thing.
Perfectionism is about relentlessly trying to be better. It’s about constantly reaching for something that doesn’t exist.
I haven’t met anyone, yet, with relational trauma who isn’t a perfectionist. It makes sense, absolutely, but it’s consistent presence in my clients still surprises me.
Relational trauma leaves us with the unshakable belief that we’re not doing enough and that we are not enough. So we spend our lives striving to be better.
To find freedom from life as a perfectionist we first need to accept that we are one. And once we have, we need to keep a beady eye out for relentless striving, impossible standards and harsh self-criticism because this is where perfectionism hides.
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Sarah Woodhouse is a trauma expert, research psychologist and writer who delivers people the knowledge and tools to recognise and overcome self-defeating cycles, to achieve personal freedom and success. Please follow her on Instagram, Facebook or X for all the latest updates.
