notes on freedom
A weekly email series containing easily digestible morsels of info on relational trauma and how to find freedom from it.
THIS WEEK IT’S A NOTE ON…how to live life in the middle lane
Trauma and chronic stress make us operate at either 100% or 1%.
We’re go-go-go, we can do it all, saying yes to everything (100% energy) and then (shocker) we burnout, disconnect and withdraw (1% energy).
No one can operate at 100% consistently. Top speed will always be followed by a crash.
If you aim to move through the festive season at top-speed, saying yes to everything, trying to do it all, trying to make everyone happy, buying THE BEST presents, creating the PERFECT Christmas, you will eventually crash.
But maybe that’s your plan? It used to be mine, for sure. As I ran from party to party I would eat everything I could get my hands on and drink everything anyone offered. I would overspend horrifically on people’s presents and set sky-high expectations of myself and other people. I was in the fast lane, 100%, waiting for January 2nd when I’d purposely crash and withdraw into a little ball of shame.
If this sounds a lot like addiction that’s because it is. Addictive processes and trauma are, essentially, the same thing. Both involve avoiding the middle lane, where we feel our feelings and hear our inner critic whisper ‘you are not enough’.
If we want to heal and stay sane we need to learn how to stay in the middle lane so we don’t crash, burnout and withdraw. Breaking the cycle is so very important if we want to heal.
In real terms this means learning how to:
Notice the lure of the fast lane (e.g. your mind telling you to do, say, or be more)
Exhale and let go so you can move back towards the middle lane
Try to be present with yourself and other people
Remember that you’re not responsible for ‘Christmas magic’ or other people’s feelings
Allow yourself to meander through a day, a conversation or a task
Notice the small lovely things
Take ‘perfect’ off the expectation ladder
Say ‘no’ to things that feel too much
Do less
But a “middle lane” festive season is hard for those of us conditioned to the fast lane. So don’t try and do everything on the list – if you do, it’ll be overwhelming and you’ll give up.
That list above is lengthy. Applying it completely is unrealistic and unnecessary.
The 1% rule has guided my healing and it’s very appropriate here. This rule allows us to build capacity slowly and meaningfully.
1% more time in the middle lane tomorrow is still more.
Freedom is found as we slowly, oh so slowly, learn how to live life in the middle lane.
If you’ve enjoyed this note on living life in the middle lane and want more, subscribe here.
PLEASE SHARE if you think someone you know will benefit from reading
Sarah Woodhouse is a trauma expert, research psychologist and writer who delivers people the knowledge and tools to recognise and overcome self-defeating cycles, to achieve personal freedom and success. Please follow her on Instagram, Facebook or X for all the latest updates.
