Feeling rejected is an unavoidable part of life. Whether by a potential employer, friend,
client, college or partner, we all know the pain of dearly wanting something (or
someone) and having a door closed in our face.
Everyone feels the sting of rejection. But if we carry relational trauma (i.e. if we’ve
been deeply hurt by past relationships) we respond to rejection as if it’s a major
threat. We react as if the sky is falling in because when we were younger rejection
was a major threat to our sense of belonging and emotional safety.
When we react to rejection today with blind panic and a deep sense of
unworthiness it’s because we’re triggered. We’ve disconnected from our adult
self and our wounded younger self has taken the lead. The younger part of us
reacts to protect us, because this part remembers the old pain of feeling rejected
by our parents, siblings, family, best friend or peers.
As we heal our trauma our adult self is better able to observe ‘little us’ panicking
and can step in to reassure and soothe. We no longer stay frozen and anxious for
days on end. We find freedom from the deep sense of unworthiness that used to
accompany rejection. Despite the sting, we know that we’re safe and ok – that
rejection simply closes a door we weren’t meant to walk through in the first place
Sarah Woodhouse is a trauma expert, research psychologist and writer who delivers people the knowledge and tools to recognise and overcome self-defeating cycles, to achieve personal freedom and success.
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