Relational trauma ensures we’re bottom of our own to-do list. We prioritise pretty much everything else over our beautiful self and system. The juggle of life – other people’s needs, a family member’s crisis, tidying the house, running errands, a work deadline, a friend’s birthday dinner – all take precedence over our needs.
We’re often moving too quickly to hear the small voice inside that says: “I can’t do this,” “I don’t want to do this,” or “no.” And when we do feel the call of our system willing us to stop and slow down, we ignore it.
It’s easy to laugh off this kind of self-disregard. A lot of people even put it on a pedestal, wrongly thinking that grand acts of self-sacrifice somehow prove their worth.
But when we put our needs at the bottom of the pile, what we’re quietly saying to other people, to the world, to our body, to the younger part of our self-concept and to our core self is:
'i do not matter'
And, dear friend, you cannot heal if you continue to subconsciously insist that you do not matter.
As uncomfortable, odd and even painful as it feels, freedom comes as we consistently demonstrate to our self, our system, others and the world that we matter. We do this by learning to hear and act on our needs, irrespective of how ‘inconvenient,’ ‘inappropriate,’ ‘shameful,’ or ‘irritating’ we may perceive our true needs to be.
Hoping this note helps you pull a little more “I matter” into your week, because you really do.
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Sarah Woodhouse is a trauma expert, research psychologist and writer who delivers people the knowledge and tools to recognise and overcome self-defeating cycles, to achieve personal freedom and success.
