notes on freedom
A weekly email series containing easily digestible morsels of info on relational trauma and how to find freedom from it.
THIS WEEK IT’S A NOTE ON…the right way
Childhood trauma creates within us a deep sense that we’re somehow out of control and getting things wrong.
To feel in control many of us fixate on getting everything right. It makes sense, right? A clever way to navigate life is to figure out what’s expected and then do it! In moderation this is fine, but those of us with childhood trauma struggle to do this in a functional way. Our need to ‘get everything right’ combines with our hypervigilance and fear, and creates a huge amount of stress and tension in our system.
We’re subconsciously focused on figuring out the right/best/superior way to work/live/dress/speak because it’s the only way we know how to feel safe and acceptable.
This notion – that there’s a right/best/superior way to go about life – is handed to us during our childhood. Most often this black and white/good and bad approach to being human develops in homes where the parents themselves are dysregulated and traumatised.
In place of curiosity, compassion and acceptance there is an underlying (often unspoken) sense of judgement, shame, fear and criticism.
In these homes we’re taught that there is a right and wrong way to approach everything. There’s little room for difference. In fact, more than this, because our parent’s self-esteem is dependent on us behaving a certain way, they cannot tolerate our points of difference.
The simple joy of a mother or father’s face lighting-up as the child demonstrates their own preferences and choices (that are so very different to the mother and fathers) is absent in these homes. Instead, the parents will react with control, fear, anxiety, anger, shame or silence.
To find freedom from our own trauma patterns we need to gently look at our relationship with the idea of right/wrong, good/bad, superior/inferior. Where in our lives are these polarities causing us pain and pushing us into dysfunction? And how can we loosen up, let go and curiously allow for something more gentle?
With love,
S. x
If you’ve enjoyed this note on ‘the right way’ and want more, subscribe here.
PLEASE SHARE on your socials if you think someone you know will benefit from reading
Sarah Woodhouse is a trauma expert, research psychologist and writer who delivers people the knowledge and tools to recognise and overcome self-defeating cycles, to achieve personal freedom and success. Please follow her on Instagram, Facebook or X for all the latest updates.
