notes on freedom
A weekly email series containing easily digestible morsels of info on relational trauma and how to find freedom from it.
THIS WEEK IT’S A NOTE ON…untangling the spaghetti
Because childhood trauma occurs within relationships, it greatly impacts our relationships today. In many ways the impact on our relationships (the damaged boundaries, co-dependence, disconnection, avoidance, anxiety etc) is the trauma.
To heal childhood trauma we need to look at the relational dynamics we’re taking part in.
We look at the dance we’re doing with our partners, our children, our colleagues and our friends. Another useful image, I think. Picturing the relational back and forth that we’re subconsciously trapped in allows us to get a sense of something that we cannot, in reality, actually see.
The metaphor I want to share with you today is much less sophisticated but very helpful indeed.
Healing childhood trauma can feel like we’re trying to like untangle spaghetti. It’s hard and it’s messy, but slowly we become able to stand back, pull apart the strands of our relationships and create space so that we can see and feel what’s really happening.
For many, simply naming ‘the tangle’ brings relief. We realise we’ve been trying to see and understand something that is very messy indeed. We can see that we’re entwined, enmeshed and stuck.
Of course we feel confused and at times feel like we’re losing our mind. It’s impossible to feel sane when we’re living in spaghetti.
If this hits home – if, in your own way you feel like you’re living in a tangled mess of relational dynamics – know that you’re not alone.
First, name it – call it what it is (e.g. confusing and messy).
Next, try to slow things down and observe what’s happening so you can get a better sense of perspective. Stand back, pause and get curious.
If this is too hard to do in real-time take time at the end of the day to get curious about some of the painfully familiar interactions you’ve taken part in. Get curious about triggers and triggered reactions (yours and theirs), and how they’re feeding into each other.
Finally (and this is the truly hard part) let it go. Mentally move on, don’t ruminate (because then you’re back in the spaghetti). Refocus on your recovery and on your own self-care.
This final part is where the healing is because as we move on and mentally detach we step out of the spaghetti and into clarity.
With love,
S. x
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Sarah Woodhouse is a trauma expert, research psychologist and writer who delivers people the knowledge and tools to recognise and overcome self-defeating cycles, to achieve personal freedom and success. Please follow her on Instagram, Facebook or X for all the latest updates.
