Perfectionism is linked with trauma. Relational trauma leaves us with an enduring sense that we’re never doing enough. During a group call last week, someone summed it up beautifully. They said with a smile “we don’t take lunch breaks.” No. We don’t.
This drive to do more, and better, is often accompanied by a complete intolerance of our own mistakes. So, not only do we not ‘take lunch breaks’, but many of us also demand perfection from ourselves. Other people are allowed to make mistakes socially, at work or in relationships, but we need to show-up just right.
We need to look right or say the right thing. We need to behave right or do a task right. There’s a black and whiteness to this kind of right and wrong thinking that’s indicative of relational trauma. Either we’ve nailed it or we’ve totally messed up. There’s little room for “good enough” or “that’ll do.”
Our need to get things 100% right develops as a way to get approval and validation within a home where love feels conditional. We painfully sense approval being removed when we reveal certain parts of ourselves, make ‘mistakes’ or show our own (beautiful, human) ‘imperfection’. Our parents own black and white thinking, and the shame that accompanies it, is handed to us.
freedom is possible
Freedom is found as we become aware of, and then accept, the parts of ourselves that were wrongly deemed to be ‘imperfect.’ It’s found as we give ourselves permission to embody ‘that’ll do’. It’s found as we leave the house without make-up. As we submit a proposal at work without agonising over the detail. Or as we stop saying what we ‘should’ say in just the right way, and instead allow ourselves to speak freely. It’s found as we give ourselves what we deserved in childhood – unconditional love.
If you’ve enjoyed this note on perfectionism and trauma and want more, subscribe here
share this note by clicking on one of the icons below
Sarah Woodhouse is a trauma expert, research psychologist and writer who delivers people the knowledge and tools to recognise and overcome self-defeating cycles, to achieve personal freedom and success.
