Trauma is still widely misunderstood despite it having become a buzzword. So before I explain the 4 stages of trauma healing and how to heal trauma, I need to explain what it is. Because once you understand what trauma is, and why it just won’t quit, it’s crystal clear what you need to do to heal.
the 4 characteristics of trauma
At its most basic, nervous system level, trauma is an overreactive fight, flight, freeze response pattern. We develop this survival-response-on-steroids because as well as feeling afraid or ashamed by an experience, person, moment or ongoing situation, we simultaneously feel overwhelmed and helpless.
A quick detour: the reason I talk endlessly (ENDLESSLY) about childhood trauma is because it doesn’t take much to push kids into feeling overwhelmed and helpless. Ergo, most trauma patterns begin in childhood.
OK, back to the fear, shame, overwhelm and helplessness. Because subconsciously we don’t think we can handle the experience we’re faced with we’re on-guard. We’re constantly searching for other potential problems and threats, ways to make things better and ways we need to protect ourselves. This is called hypervigilance and it means we quickly and easily move into fight, flight, freeze (and stay there). Our nervous system no longer flows in a balanced way from arousal to calm. Instead, we’re pretty much always ‘on’.
1- overactive fight, flight, freeze response
So, the first defining characteristic we need to understand about trauma is that trauma is an overactive fight, flight, freeze response. This is the nervous system dysregulation everyone talks about.
Because of our overactive fight, flight, freeze response we can’t properly process what’s happening. Processing is a slightly clunky term, but it simply involves us:
First becoming aware of something, then relating to it in a way that enables us to understand and make sense of it. Processing always involves movement and assimilation. There’s a beginning, middle and end.
Because of all the fight/flight stress hormones we can’t process what we’re experiencing. Our thoughts are unclear, our body is in threat-mode, our emotions feel overwhelming and we can’t find clarity. Because we can’t process what’s going on, our memories of the traumatic experiences (and many of those associated with it) don’t form properly.
2- Unprocessed trauma
So, the next point I want to make is that trauma is unprocessed (misunderstood, disjointed, confusing, disconnected) thoughts, emotions, sensations, meanings and memories.
Because of the first two characteristics (e.g. we’re stuck in fight, flight, freeze and are unable to properly process what’s going on) our nervous system wires itself to protect us in various ways. Our system cleverly figures out how to avoid more fear or shame, and the painful thoughts, emotions and sensations associated with them. For example, a common protective adaptation driven by the nervous system, is dissociation (spacing out and disconnecting from our body).
3- protective patterns
The third characteristic, then, is that trauma exists as protective patterns in our nervous system that also show-up in our thoughts, choices, actions and behaviour. These patterns always disconnect us from something (our body, other people etc).
Our self-concept is also developing clever ways to protect us by disconnecting from parts of ourselves that we subconsciously conclude are ‘part of the problem.’ For example, if we’re always aggressively screamed at by our father when we dress-up for a party, we’re likely to disconnect from the part of us that causes ‘the problem’ (e.g. we’ll push away our sexuality and femininity).
This brings me to the last characteristic of trauma that’s critical to understand how to heal:
4- disconnection
Trauma is the way our self-concept has developed to protect us by disconnecting us from parts of ourselves.
To summarise, trauma is:
1- Nervous system dysregulation
2- Unprocessed thoughts, emotions, sensations, meanings and memories.
3- Protective patterns in our body, mind and behaviour
4- Disconnection from parts of ourselves
the 4 stages of trauma healing
To heal, we need a step-by-step, bottom-up approach that moves us through trauma’s four characteristics in the right order, healing, building and rewiring as we grow. Read on for the 4 stages of trauma healing.
1- learn to regulate
First you need to combat nervous system dysregulation. This HAS TO come first, trust me.
Learn to regulate. Reconnect to your nervous system’s rhythm and to your ventral vagal nerve.
I’m not going to go into detail about how to do this here because it’s a hefty topic of its own, but there’s a lot of great books out there on how to do it. And if you want me to create a video showing you some foundation techniques, let me know.
2- Learn to process
Next you need to learn to process. This involves becoming aware, then moving through something in a way that enables you to understand and make sense of it.
You can do this in many different ways.
For example, you can talk to someone you trust about what you’re experiencing to find understanding and meaning.
You can write in your journal to makes sense of how you’re feeling, your past or the patterns you’re stuck in.
You can allow your sensations and emotions to move and flow in a conscious way. This could mean that you notice the volcano-like build-up of angry energy in your arms. Feel how the powerful sensations move and shift, also noticing that you want to clench your fists and that a voice in your mind is shouting “ENOUGH.”
You can allow your biological impulses – you can clench your fists if your body calls you to, cry if you need to cry, stretch if you need to stretch, shake your legs if they need to shake, sigh if you need to sigh.
You can notice your emotional and physical needs and demonstrate your understanding by responding appropriately.
Yes, in one way or another, this is all ‘processing’.
We process by becoming consciously aware of something, ‘being with’ it and allowing it. We find a way to analyse or relate to it differently, and as we do this we develop understanding and clarity
3- Learn to move out of protective patterns
Once you’re reliably self-regulating and are better able to process (see, move through, understand) your experiences, emotions, memories, thoughts and meanings, you can actively work on breaking protective patterns.
Although, interestingly, once you can self-regulate and process you’re half-way-there in terms of moving out of protective patterns. You’ll notice that you’re breaking patterns as if by magic, without even trying.
That’s because everything you’ve done so far has interrupted old self-defeating patterns that link to unprocessed trauma.
For example, your new self-regulation skills are preventing you moving into fight, flight, freeze so often. Your new ability to process is reducing your overwhelm and helping you feel more in control, so you find yourself less reliant on old coping mechanisms.
This has been happening without you focusing on it because you’ve learned to regulate and process. So imagine what happens when you add some conscious effort in the direction of breaking protective patterns.
What you’re imagining is correct. Unlike previous failed attempts, this time (because you can regulate and process) you clearly observe the protective patterns you’re still stuck in.
And, because you can regulate, you can choose how to respond instead of repeating and repeating old reactions.
As I keep saying – the order of these steps really matters.
4- Learn to reconnect to every part of yourself
So now you can regulate like a pro, more fluidly process and break patterns. Don’t you think that you’re also capable of reconnecting, with compassion and love, to every part of yourself?
Yes, you’re more than capable. In fact, the healing process of integrating the ignored and banished parts of yourself has been happening without you even realising.
Now, when you focus on it, you realise that as you’ve learned to regulate and process, and as you’ve moved out of protective patterns and into authentic connection, you’ve also come to see, hear, understand, accept and appreciate every part of yourself.
With conscious effort you easily learn to identify when your younger self is triggered and what adult you need’s to do to soothe them.
Like all the four stages of trauma healing, this last one is worthy of its own book let alone 100 words in a blog. There’s so much I could say on this step, but if I do I’ll risk diluting my main message:
We can all heal from trauma if we focus on healing the body and the nervous system first and foremost. Starting from this place means we’ll build a solid transformation.
Before I sign-off...
I need to point out that although I passionately believe we need to actively learn to heal, I’m not saying you should do it alone.
No, I’m really not saying that.
By all means learn to regulate at home using books as your guide. But if it’s confusing, seek out a practitioner who specialises in polyvagal theory or somatic regulation to teach you.
Likewise, you can learn to process, break patterns and do ‘parts work’ at home, but it’s really lovely to do this work with someone (e.g. a psychotherapist or somatic practitioner).
Taking responsibility for our healing isn’t the same as stoically doing it alone. They’re actually polar opposite ideas.
summary of the stages of trauma healing
A quick re-cap:
We heal trauma step by step, starting with the nervous system:
1- Heal your nervous system
2- Learn to process
3- Break protective cognitive and behavioural patterns that disconnect you from what you want
4- Reconnect, with compassion and acceptance, to your whole self
Coupled with curiosity, patience and a focus on creating long-lasting sustainable change (instead of quick fixes)…you’ll heal and transform.
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Sarah Woodhouse is a research psychologist, relational trauma specialist, and author of you’re not broken, who delivers people the knowledge and tools to recognise and overcome self-defeating cycles, to achieve personal freedom and success.
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