Knowing when to walk away from a relationship can be confusing and painful if we carry old relational trauma from our past. It makes sense, of course, because relationships were the source of our trauma. Imagine if someone traumatised by a surgical procedure had to live in the hospital waiting room. They would feel endlessly triggered, overwhelmed and unsafe, right?
Well, relational trauma leaves us living in a hospital waiting room, so to speak. Every coffee with a friend, conflict with a family member, argument with a partner or ignored What’sApp message, can be a potential source of pain and confusion.
Within the relationship space, it takes very little to set off our fight, flight, freeze response and trigger our old trauma patterns. Old emotions, insecurities, beliefs, and sensations flood our self-concept and our system. This flood of old stuff leaves us feeling disconnected from what is and isn’t ok with us, and unsure about what we are and are not responsible for.
what happens next?
Two scenarios tend to play out. Either we stick around for too long, tolerating the relationship (and the pattern we’re trapped in) long after most people would walk away. Or we bolt and run the other way in response to ‘normal’ relationship dynamics. Scenario one involves too much tolerance however scenario two involves not enough. Both are reactions that keep us trapped and repeating.
As we learn to soothe the younger triggered part of ourselves and honestly observe the pattern we’re taking part in, we can begin to find clarity, space and detachment. With support if necessary, we’re able to see how to break free from the pattern. Sometimes we find freedom by doing the work within the relationship. Sometimes we break free as we walk away..
Sarah Woodhouse is a trauma expert, research psychologist and writer who delivers people the knowledge and tools to recognise and overcome self-defeating cycles, to achieve personal freedom and success.
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